


Coping Skills

by BenignIdealist



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Angst, M/M, bullshit, teenage shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-24 17:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenignIdealist/pseuds/BenignIdealist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert deals with shit that is not unique in any way but still fucking sucks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out of options

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is mainly for language and some vaguely heavy content.  
> Written entirely as something of an escape for me and is based entirely off of my experiences with my partners and others in my life.  
> I'll add more chapters and such as the year goes on.  
> Most will be longer than this chapter, but chances are the length will my be consistent at all.

In the two months since the school year finished, you'd gained eighteen pounds, and Dave had lost probably close to the same. At this rate, he'd be back in the hospital in no time at all until he was up to a healthy weight, and you'd be on your own again until he gained ninety pounds.  
Which would probably be never.  
You'd spend the entire year on your own, and god, you don't know how to cope with that.  
Not that it would make a difference. Cope you will, because what other options did you have? You wouldn't hurt yourself, wouldn't try to die, or run away- all you could do is just keep on surviving, because it was the only thing you could do.

You go back to school tomorrow- you normally pick him up on the way to school, but not anymore- his brother didn't like you very much ( you were much too gay for him ) and Dave was fighting with him a lot lately- your presence would just worsen the situation, so you need to stay away. You don't think you have any courses with him either- you don't know for sure though, he hadn't gone on registration day to get his schedule and all that school stuff, because he'd been working.  
On top of that, he'd be graduating that year, while you still had two years to go- you'd have to go to school after everybody who made it bearable for you grew up and left.  
Bluh.  
You just want to be with Dave.  
But you can't be.  
You don't know what to do anymore and you're so fucking scared.  
You just want the world to end already. That way, nobody would have to feel the way you do- nobody would ever be sad or scared or unhappy. Granted, they wouldn't be happy, but everyone would be dead so it wouldn't even matter.  
But everybody isn't dead, and it still doesn't matter, because nobody is happy and nobody knows what the fuck they're doing- everybody grows up taught that adults have it together and know what they're doing and are happy- but it's all fucking wrong. Nobody has any fucking clue, and nothing gets easier.  
You're so scared to be alive.  
You're scared to wake up in the morning and you're scared to survive through the day and you're scared to go to bed at night and you're scared to do this every day for the rest of your stupid awful life.  
You don't know what to do anymore.  
You just want everything to stop.


	2. Oh shit an improvement (not really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave reveals a new love interest and breaks it off  
> Lets see how well John takes it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd and written on an iPod, so if there are any spelling or grammatical errors please feel free to let me know

You get to see Dave for close to twenty minutes before you have to go to your first class, and you spend it running around trying to find his schedule- he was working on the day he was supposed to get it, and ended up missing it.  
You miss him.

Karkat is in your second period class- art- and at the end, while you're cleaning up the shit the rest of the class left, Dave pops in! You beam- gosh you're glad to see him again.  
Only.  
He doesn't smile back. He doesn't look at you- doesn't even acknowledge you when you say hello.  
He leaves for his next class with Karkat- seems he just came to get him- and you head to caf.  
You feel awful.

You force yourself to eat your lunch. You want to purge- to go hide in the bathroom like a bitch and shove your fingers down your throat.   
You hate yourself.  
What an embarrassment- you shouldn't be so upset. You already know you're hypersensitive- you just need to get over yourself. You /know/ that.  
It doesn't stop you from feeling stupid and neglected.  
You're stupid for feeling neglected. 

\--

Dave doesn't show up where he's supposed to meet you after school for a long time. It probably felt longer than it was though, so you try not to complain about the time you do have with him before he has to leave for work.

That night, Dave actually responds to your messages.

DAVE <3: so uh  
DAVE <3: yo we should talk  
DAVE <3: about something kinda shitty and kinda awkward  
YOU: oh  
YOU: okay  
DAVE <3: so  
DAVE <3: yknow how like  
DAVE <3: me and karkat went together  
JOHN: yeah  
DAVE <3: i still sort of  
DAVE <3: yknow like him  
DAVE <3: kind of a lot  
DAVE <3: and it aint really fair to anyone to keep this up yknow  
JOHN: oh  
JOHN: so i guess this is it?  
JOHN: you're done with me?  
DAVE <3: shit man dont say it like that  
DAVE <3: i aint even breaking up with you okay  
DAVE <3: i just think  
DAVE <3: itd be good to put this shit on hold  
DAVE <3: until i can figure everything out yknow  
JOHN: yeah  
JOHN: that's fine  
DAVE <3: are you okay  
JOHN: yeah  
JOHN: just perfect  
JOHN: it's okay dave  
JOHN: iv'e just been kind of waiting for this to happen you know  
JOHN: so i'm pretty prepared  
DAVE <3: alright  
DAVE <3: okay  
JOHN: i have to go shower now okay  
JOHN: so i'll talk to you tomorrow  
JOHN: goodnight

-

You hate yourself. You're /worthless/. You trusted Dave with /everything/- with your body and your secrets and all your awful stories- and he didn't even trust you the same way.  
He didn't even love you.   
Well, it wasn't like there was anything you could do.  
You wouldn't be opposed to sharing Dave's affections, if it meant he loved you back still and wanted to be with you- but if he wanted you out of his life, it wasn't an option.  
You needed to just sit back and stay out of Dave's way.  
If he still loved Karkat, he couldn't really have loved you, could he?  
No, he really couldn't.  
You couldn't even compare.  
Karkat was good at art and music and all of Dave's favourite things- you only made it to grade three of piano lessons, and couldn't really draw for shit. You didn't even really know how to read music anymore.  
Dave would actually enjoy being with him, though, so that was good.  
He'd be happy.  
And that was what was important.  
So you'd be okay.   
If Dave needed anything, you'd be there. You'd step back until you were needed, like a good best bro, and then back out again when the crisis was over.   
You'd be there to make sure Dave was okay, to make sure he didn't overdose or drink himself to death, to make sure he understood his school work and stood up for himself as beat he could against his bro ( you don't think he even knows that he's doing it, but Dave's older brother could be awfully discouraging and downright rude to Dave. )  
You'll pack your wounds and stitch your broken heart back together and live your life the way you always did- sans Dave.  
You'd survive.  
You'd be good enough.  
You'd return to your invisible status, just below average and acceptable and okay, and be just another fat, geeky, talentless fag, whether or not you were actually gay or smart or into anything geeky to begin with.  
( you were in fact pansexual and into loads of hella geeky shit, but nobody at your school even knew what pansexual was, and it wouldn't have made any difference. )


	3. Let's start off with boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John thinks about stuff  
> It really hurts

You just can't understand why he still hugs you, or sometimes kisses you shyly, or tells you he loves you.  
He's already made it plain and simple that he didn't.  
Maybe he felt bad for you again  
Maybe he felt bad that, after seven years, you actually started to believe that you could be worth it to love and spend time with.

He'd been telling you that you were worth it since you were in sixth grade. You'd gone from no friends to one friend who treated you just as badly as everybody else did, but would sometimes sit with you at recess. You'd spent three years with him then, until you all graduated, and he went to a different school, and you didn't hear from him for the entirety of your ninth grade year.  
In that year, your Nanna died, and your dad was found to be in the beginning stages of lung cancer.  
Then at the end of the summer you got a message from Dave asking for you to pick him up before school on the first day so you could show him around your school and where his classes were and shit, because he was transferring there now.  
Later that year, he gets drunk off his ass and asks you to be his boyfriend.  
You tearily agree, and from that moment, you knew it was going to hurt.  
You go together in title for the next two years, until his friend Karkat transfers from his old school, and Dave remembers how he still cares for him- more than he ever cared for you.  
That pretty much brings you to now.  
It sucks.  
It also occurs to you that you really did know that Dave never loved you like you love him- you knew the whole time- you just chose not to see it, like the stupid piece of shit you are.  
Dave would always tell you that you were cute or talented or that your teeth weren't stupid, or that you weren't fat, or that you were fat but he liked it, or that you were perfect and the love of his life and his reason for living-  
Until his friend came back.  
Then he stopped talking to you outside of the half hour after school was over, and started encouraging you to cover up your stupid fat arms again, and to stop wearing shorts and start wearing full pants, and to just get your stupid braces removed because you knew they weren't really doing anything but hurting and making you uglier-  
You hate yourself.  
You'd finally started to believe that you were all the nice things Dave used to say.  
And then that all stopped.  
You deserve it.  
You don't know what you did to deserve it, but you know you do.  
You always do.


	4. Boundaries or something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts to be okay and then just leaves John feeling stranded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I sort of whish she'd find this  
> So she knows how I feel  
> But  
> It would hurt her a lot and I don't want that  
> Sigh  
> Being seventeen fucking blows rn

You just can't understand why he still hugs you, or sometimes kisses you shyly, or tells you he loves you.  
He's already made it plain and simple that he didn't.  
Maybe he felt bad for you again  
Maybe he felt bad that, after seven years, you actually started to believe that you could be worth it to love and spend time with.

He'd been telling you that you were worth it since you were in sixth grade. You'd gone from no friends to one friend who treated you just as badly as everybody else did, but would sometimes sit with you at recess. You'd spent three years with him then, until you all graduated, and he went to a different school, and you didn't hear from him for the entirety of your ninth grade year.  
In that year, your Nanna died, and your dad was found to be in the beginning stages of lung cancer.  
Then at the end of the summer you got a message from Dave asking for you to pick him up before school on the first day so you could show him around your school and where his classes were and shit, because he was transferring there now.  
Later that year, he gets drunk off his ass and asks you to be his boyfriend.  
You tearily agree, and from that moment, you knew it was going to hurt.  
You go together in title for the next two years, until his friend Karkat transfers from his old school, and Dave remembers how he still cares for him- more than he ever cared for you.  
That pretty much brings you to now.  
It sucks.  
It also occurs to you that you really did know that Dave never loved you like you love him- you knew the whole time- you just chose not to see it, like the stupid piece of shit you are.  
Dave would always tell you that you were cute or talented or that your teeth weren't stupid, or that you weren't fat, or that you were fat but he liked it, or that you were perfect and the love of his life and his reason for living-  
Until his friend came back.  
Then he stopped talking to you outside of the half hour after school was over, and started encouraging you to cover up your stupid fat arms again, and to stop wearing shorts and start wearing full pants, and to just get your stupid braces removed because you knew they weren't really doing anything but hurting and making you uglier-  
You hate yourself.  
You'd finally started to believe that you were all the nice things Dave used to say.  
And then that all stopped.  
You deserve it.  
You don't know what you did to deserve it, but you know you do.  
You always do.

Two days later you're feeling better. He kind of totally broke up with you because of his feelings for someone else and that fucking sucked- but it was okay. It hurt like hell, but it was okay because really, you just want him to be happy.  
You don't need him to he your boyfriend- you need him to be your best friend. Yeah you miss the kissing and handholding and god you miss kissing him so bad- but you were okay.  
You get your courses sorted out- you still don't have any classes with him, but you get lunch with him now, and you still see him most mornings and most days after school.  
Unfortunately, he keeps drifting further away.  
He stops texting you one Saturday night- doesn't reply to you at all. He spends the mornings with his new friends outside smoking and hanging out and shit. At lunch he looks at you and walks right past your table- presumably to spend more time with his new friends in the smoking section.  
At the end of the day he's with a couple of other friends who had also been increasingly losing interest in you- and he's quite probably high off his ass ( you're learning to be able to tell without him mentioning it, but you're not sure yet ).  
He doesn't even talk to you, save for telling you his head hurts when you ask, and inviting you to go out with them when they start to leave.  
You decline.  
You'd end up in tears- and you didn't have any money anyways. You'd just end up following them around, the way that always made you feel so worthless.  
Jade catches you crying after they leave.  
You explain that you're tired and allergic to air and you're all weird from your meds- you were just starting a new kind of antidepressant and they were making you really emotional and fragile again.  
She drives you home that night. To make sure you get home safe.  
Dave still isn't talking to you.  
He didn't even say goodbye when he left.  
He didn't even spare a glance.  
Well.  
You were just figuring out how to deal with the loss of him as a partner- and just being so happy that he was in your life.  
But there goes that.  
You don't know what to do.  
You don't really have any options but to keep on living life and doing the best you can.  
You just keep doing what you always do.  
Survive.


End file.
